hi scarlett, t-bone and laura k,
...i am getting so much love mail and hate mail right now ... so this letter is for people who are open to an explanation.
i'll start off by telling you what i told tim gunn: it's not unusual for me to be misunderstood because i don't edit my enthusiasms very well. i really wanted to work with kayne because i wanted to bond with him creatively and personally. when we met, we became instant best friends, laughing until our sides hurt. but my behavior put a wedge between us and understandably so - i realized at a later point how it looked (that i would want to be on his team because he was a pageant designer) and i apologized, telling him that i totally understood that he would want to choose robert. i was horrified that i had not considered how i was coming across. there is an old adage that goes: "think twice, speak once". well, needless to say, that is not one of my strengths. i knew i was getting on his nerves and when he said it to the camera, i wasn't surprised. that is my only regret on this show: that my behavior turned away a very warm and hilarious friend. this is unbelievably difficult to dish, but i wanted to give a shout out to hopefully clarify this situation.
in regard to my not sketching a design, it wasn't because i was giving up on the challenge. it was because sketching is not generally a part of my creative process. inspiration usually comes from the fabric itself or a specific feeling that i want to embody in the clothes. not all designers use sketches to convey their vision; i've read that yohji yamamato and isabel toledo design by conversing with their patternmakers (isabel actually tells her husband how she is feeling and then he sketches it out for her). and since i've produced my own line for the last 7 years, i've never been required to provide sketches.
in regard to vincent, there was a breakdown in communication coupled with high stress levels and i shut down. this was a huge personal failure and i know it. unfortunately, in the moment, i did not know how to handle it. the reason i was so vocal about his design was because i thought that both team members would be eliminated. and i was afraid of being eliminated by default. standing on that stage under those lights, in front of people who you feel have already convicted you, is truly harrowing and i wouldn't wish it on anybody. i felt as if i was drowning.
this was my huge lesson: i was acting out of fear and when you act from fear instead of love, you are guaranteed to mess things up. i understand why some people think i should have been off the show - i didn't want to see malan go, either.
thanks for reading,